This letter is not a work of fact – it was taken and adapted from www.funnyordie.com This letter is based on the assumption that Norseman Leif Erikson would not have been too happy with what Christopher Columbus claimed he did! Enjoy
Hallo. Norse explorer Leif Erikson here. Just writing to say NOT COOL!!
Let me explain. So, you’re an Italian explorer who is credited with being the first European to discover North America in 1492. But you see, Cristobol, that really boils my lutefisk because 500 years before you, I landed in modern day Newfoundland and established the settlement of Vinland. And I’m not some crazy Viking pulling your fjord. There is archaeological evidence that supports this.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe in credit being given where credit is due. So I think you should get credit for what you actually did do.
Specifically, this is what you did:
- Intend to sail to the East Indies but never make it there
- Wear a silly-ass hat in every portrait ever painted of you
- Land on an island in the Caribbean and wrongfully identify it as the East Indies
- Call the inhabitants there “Indios” thus establishing an erroneous nomenclature that would last for a thousand years
- Have a U.S. holiday in your honor that people still have to go to work on
- Act like such a dick that your crew constantly threatened mutiny
- Usher in an era of genocide of the existing local population through military conquest and exposure to foreign diseases; four centuries after your arrival the indigenous population of North America was reduced from 12 million to 237 thousand, an astonishing death toll of 95%
- Finish your life disposed from your Spanish governorship, and then arrested by the very crown you once sailed for
- And to top it all off, for the duration of your life, in the face of clear evidence to the contrary, you maintained that you made it to the East Indies
And this is what I did:
- Set foot on North American soil 500 years before Christopher “Colon” Columbus’s pansy Italian ass
- Lots of hardcore Viking shit
And you know what the real kicker in the Oslo is, Chrissy? I’m not even claiming that I was the first European to make it to North America. This merchant from Greenland named BjarniHerjólfsson discovered it first by accident when he was blown off course on a trade expedition. I just went there after he told me about it.
So I wasn’t the first either. But I did make it there before you.
I wish you great pain!,
For more information on Leif Erikson, why not check this out: http://www.biography.com/people/leif-eriksson-9378184
For more historical wizardry..why not check out some other blogs!